As a quick preface on this one, I feel like I should have posted this at Halloween, in keeping of the theme of ghosts, but alas…. I was not quick enough!
After the utter hilarity of my first Tinder conversation and the loveliness of my first date, I decided it was time to really put myself out there and go on a date with a complete stranger! Shortly after that initial dick pic conversation I swiped right on a guy that seemed lovely. He was entirely my type with similar interests and a few Facebook friends in common. It was a mutual swipe and we excitedly started chatting. And wow did we chat, constantly, for about 4 days. There must have been hundreds of Tinder messages exchanged. We talked about everything, finding a mutual interest in books, films, music and even in similar dating histories and nerdiness. It really felt like we’d clicked.
We decided that a pre-date date was called for, to make sure that there was a spark there before we got in any deeper. We arranged to meet up for a quick coffee after work. It was the middle of the summer, it was a last-minute plan, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so nervous. This was my first-time meeting someone from online, and even without meeting him, I already really liked him and was stressing about fucking it up.
It went wonderfully, we had coffee outside beside the canal, he brought me a piece of chocolate biscuit cake and we talked for hours, and then went for a wander a
round town and talked for even more hours. We arranged to see each other the following day, and then chatted on my trip home. The following day we went for a walk to Phoenix Park and took a small picnic. We talked about all sorts of things, and I filled him in on my recent bereavement (my dad had passed away 3 months previously), he sympathised and told him his Dad had passed away the previous autumn. We talked about grief a bit, and all these shared commonalities seemed to bring us even closer together. We had our first kiss and it felt like being a teenager again.
Things went on like this for a few weeks, we lived in each other’s pockets, constantly texting and chatting. We ended up staying in each other’s places once or twice a week and it felt like we were becoming a couple. In my head, I knew that I wasn’t ready for something super serious, so we decided that we wouldn’t be monogamous, and I continued to occasionally see other people. He didn’t seem to be inclined to do so, though that was entirely his choice. Eventually, a few months in, I was seeing him exclusively.
However, I’d started to notice a trend; he’d get caught up in work and just disappear for days here or there.
I would start to think he’d ghosted me, and he’d suddenly reappear, as sweet as anything and we’d pick up where we left off. He’d make an excuse that he’d lost his phone, or it had stopped working. However my internal Spidey senses were tingling. I knew myself that he’d been online during those times, but I let it go as the relationship wasn’t serious.
The next thing was that he had started talking about his parents, his mum at first, and then his Dad as if his Dad hadn’t passed away and we’d had all these conversations about it. When I called him on it, he claimed that the man who had passed away was his biological Dad, and the person he referred to as Dad was the one who had raised him. This didn’t really tie in to anything he’d been saying till this point, but again, I just let it go.
I went to the UK for the weekend. We’d planned our usual Tuesday night date night. I got back on the Sunday, we’d chatted for a little while and he’d stopped responding, mentioning he was at his parents. I heard nothing on the Monday however this was no longer anything unusual, and on the Tuesday I went to work prepared for the usual date night. And nothing.
I sent a few messages, I could see he was online, but he wasn’t reading the messages, so I gathered my self-respect and stopped messaging. And nothing. After several weeks I’d been ghosted! Not even a by your leave. He disappeared into the night, along with my favourite cardigan and jeans! Having spoken to a mutual friend about what was going on, she was as baffled as I was.
However, sorting stuff out in my head I realised he’d been lying to me for a while, and fabricating things to build a connection. So that was that, my first foray into semi-relationship hood after my break-up ended. And with that ending came a whole host of new questions for myself and lots of learnings;
- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is
- Trust your gut, if something feels off or not quite right, call the person on it. Intuition is a real thing and something we should take seriously.
- Know your worth, you are worth more than that, always!
- Something that seems super intense at the very start probably isn’t for the long haul.
A few months later, I’d moved to a new house, and we were on the same bus route. We ended up on the same bus one morning, and when he spotted me at the stop he went puce. I’ve never seen someone run so quickly in the opposite direction of where they should be going in my life. On the plus side, I’m now way more familiar with warning signs and the likelihood off being ghosted! Next week, I become the ghoster….