I’ve finally gotten back out there after the rebound incident, and I’ve started to notice a trend to my dating. Most of the dates that I’ve been on have originated from apps (if anyone out there has figured out a less tech heavy way of dating, please tell me!) and I’ve found it impossible to tell if any of my dates have fancied me. Each time, the coffee/drink has been enjoyable, lots of chatter and laughs, and a suggestion or organisation to meet up a 2nd time. However, I’m coming away from it wondering if it was a date or if I’ve just made a new friend. Now if this was just a once off, I’d put it down to the luck of the draw, but it’s been all my dates over the last few months and I’m starting to feel like I’ve lost my mojo!
The first ‘incident’ was a Tinder date, we met up for a drink in Fade Street Social. Had a lovely evening, lots of chatting, different things in common, and at the end of the date we arranged to meet again the following week, there was a quick hug and that was it. However, I came away from it having no clue if he fancied me or not. It didn’t feel like there had been any signals so other than the suggestion of a second meet up (which hadn’t been referred to as a date) I had nothing to go on. I did the sensible thing and assumed it was a friendship thing.
Fast forward to our 5th outing in as many weeks, and after a good few drinks, now convinced that it was just a friendship, I joked about the fact that trying to figure out if he fancied me had been a pain in the arse. To which he responded that of course he did, we wouldn’t have gotten to date 5 if he didn’t… which then threw me right back into a complete state of confusion! Suffice to say we didn’t make it past date 5, purely because as soon as I’d concluded that he wasn’t interested in me, I’d disengaged in that way and was viewing him as a friend. Honestly, I’m starting to reassess my views on friendzone’s, but that’s for another post.
Moving forward a couple of months, I’d gone on a Bumble coffee date, which was possibly the most nervous I’d been on a first date. It went really well, but I cut it short as I’d had a shit day in work, and I really wanted to just get home and sleep. I was aware that I definitely fancied him, though I probably hadn’t been giving off those kinds of signals, but I wasn’t sure what his take on me was. We headed out again the following week for a coffee, which ended up being a drink. This was a school night but went on quite late and was a lot of fun. I was certain I’d been my normal flirty self, but once again, I wasn’t getting any signals from him. At one point, our legs brushed against each other under the table and he jumped and apologised. The date ended, we headed on our separate ways, yet he text and suggested a weekend drink sometime soon so we didn’t have to cut it short for work. But again, I had no idea if it was just a drink or a 3rd date! I had no clue if he fancied me, and I was once again in an utter state of confusion.
Out of mild desperation, and in advance of another first date coming up, I text my beloved cousin to ask her opinion. She peppered me with some questions, asking if there had been signals. Had he touched my arm lightly when chatting? Had there been compliments? Dilated eyes? The usual signals. I said that there hadn’t been, so she was as puzzled as me, and suggested that I just ask him the next time we went out. She speaks sense sometimes!
So I headed off on a new first date, where there were all the signals being thrown. Arm touching, complimenting, a lot of body language. I decided to be a bit cheeky after a couple of drinks, as the night was coming to a natural end, if he felt that there was a spark. He said no, that he’d enjoyed spending the evening with me but wasn’t interested in me in that way. Which was grand, I wasn’t offended or insulted, but it made me realise that I can’t read signals for shit. I’d have come away from that date thinking that he was totally interested in me!
As for the 3rd date gentleman, the 3rd date hasn’t been decided upon yet, but we’ve been trying to get something arranged, so I don’t have an end to that story yet! However, I have tried the asking if someone is interested in me since again, and I think this is just going to have to be the route I go in future. From all of this, I’ve learned a few things;
- People and situations can be really difficult to read. If you aren’t getting the vibe but someone is still making plans to see you, don’t just assume it’s as friends. Ask the question, it’s better for both of you.
- If you really aren’t sure at the end of a first date if the spark is there, or reciprocated, just ask. You both came on a date for the same reason. Who knows, maybe they felt that your signals weren’t clear either.
- You need to be ok with rejection. You need to know that if you ask someone and they say no, they weren’t interested, that you’re going to be ok. If you don’t think you can handle it, maybe just send a text later and ask. Nobody wants to get upset in front of someone they don’t really know.
- Dating is really fucking difficult, and you’ll rethink everyone’s motives. Taking things at face value can sometimes be the best possible idea.
If anyone out there has any other thoughts or ideas on how to judge if someone is interested in you, please please please let me know! Next week, I may have an update on the 3rd date…. Or I may have a post on making the first move… we’ll see how the week pans out 😊